I have not written in a long time. I continue to be a stalker on a few other widow sites, but I have fallen away from my own. I have to admit, I don’t pour over every word on the other sites, sometimes just clicking my way through to get to a more interesting TED talk, and I no longer feel I have anything of benefit to share. “Why write?” has turned into “Why should I write?” There is a life to be lived outside of my computer screen. To write, especially on something as personal as my journey after widowhood, feels selfish at best, and like self-absorbed narcissism at worst. Why should I write when there is work to be done, fences to be built, weeds to be pulled, meals to be cooked, face to face conversations to be shared, hugs to be given, love to be received? And yet, here I sit. Restless hands on the keyboard, words in my head, thoughts bubbling over. What else to do with them but write?
I no longer feel like a widow. Yes, according to the IRS and the Federal Application for Student Aid, I am a widow. If I make it into the next decade, I will finally be able to claim Jim’s SSI as his surviving spouse. So, I check a box on the occasional form, but it is no longer my identity. Who am I now? 22 years a child and student, 22 years a worker, wife and mother. Major life roles punctuated by a few years of introspection and transition. And now emerging from this latest transition. Widowhood to….what?
I no longer feel quite so wacky, either. So much of my past writing was an attempt to process really complex emotional material and condense it into something I could understand. I often started a post having no idea where it, or my heart, was heading. In the act of writing, I went from angst to something that resembled peace. Now I find myself content upon waking and I am only occasionally gut-punched by the bittersweet of life. If there is no conflict, then it stands there is no reason for resolution. Does one have to be whacked out to write?
So. Should I continue to write? I know I can no longer write under the wackywidow title. It no longer fits. What should I write about? Should I start another blog? Stick with wordpress or go elsewhere? What should I name it? Who am I now?