October 29, 2010 – The Sadness is Gone

Girls at BurgdorfWe are in the middle of our last fine weekend of Fall weather. Big cold front is coming in from our Canadian relatives, and snow is in the forecast for tonight. There is already plenty of snow in the high country and early mornings have been frosty. The garden has long since been put to bed. I hope we get lots of snow this winter. The property we purchased is north facing and steep. There will be powder pockets and face plants. I don’t see it making me sad. I think it will make me laugh.

Greg and I have been shopping for a tractor. Craigslist has been pretty frustrating. Finding what we want only to have it sold is discouraging. Knowing that we may have to transport something across the country adds to the cost. Finally, in the middle of the week, Greg found one up for auction in the Seattle area. I knew he’d go. I knew that there was a good possibility that the trip would be for naught. I knew that I would just be in the way in that high anxiety environment. I decided to take the overnight free and head to Burgdorf Hot Springs. I asked 2 friends not really thinking they could break away with such short notice.

Last year at Burgdorf, I cried a lot. I was sad, and lonely, missing Jim and my past with young children, believing that there was a good chance, though I had the best friends in the universe, that love would never find me again. This year was so different. I am not sad. I am not lonely. Though I will always hold Jim in my heart, it has grown to include another love. Jim would be amazed and proud of the young children that are now so grown up. Memories at Burgdorf are sweet without the bitter. Burgdorf is still a place of magic.

My 2 friends did join me. I came back feeling more rested and relaxed than I have been in months. Greg came home with an anxiety headache the size of the Palouse. He got the tractor. We’re off to pull rocks out of our excavated barn site today before the snow flies when he wakes up.

I would give these girls my last morsel of food if they were hungry.

Our New Rig

Written Oct 29, 2010 7:15am

I cried a bunch yesterday. Seeing the snow on Moscow Mountain brought it on. Talked to Emerald last night, and she had spent the previous day with a lot of tears. Snow in Yellowstone was the clincher for her. There will be no skiing with Jim this year. Years ago, Emerald asked me, “Everyone else always goes someplace warm for Spring break, why do we always go someplace COLDER?” I then had to explain Jim’s life long love affair with snow. She gets it now, and she will see Jim in every sweet powder pocket she finds, and hear him laughing with every face plant she makes. 

Jim has a deep vein thrombosis (DVT) in his right leg, and his lungs confirm that he is aspirating thin liquids. I have changed his diet to reduce the aspiration because coughing all the time is pretty uncomfortable. Treating the DVT is not as simple. Standard blood thinners don’t work in cancer patients. Daily shots of a different type might, but they also dramatically increase his chance of a brain bleed. Jim is already super high risk for this due to building pressure. Not treating the clot, but treating the discomfort with elevation, gentle massage, compression stocking, and exercise, increase his chances of throwing that clot into a pulmonary embolism or into the brain. We are between a rock and a hard place. Jim wants to stick to the “resume”….which on 20 questions revealed, do nothing. He then stayed at the table, with his foot hanging down, for 2 hours last night to visit with his parents, because putting his feet up “didn’t work”. I will get the compression stocking, and see if I can get him to wear it….again, choosing the middle road.

Forecast in North Idaho this winter is a lot of snow. May we all find sweet powder pockets and laugh at ourselves when we face plant. Jim would if he could.



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One Response to October 29, 2010 – The Sadness is Gone

  1. gowithefloww says:

    Wow. Love comes in all shapes and sizes, and in reading your post, I learn again that if I ask for love’s specific shape based on past experience, I can miss its heartwarming appearance now. I’m so happy that you allowed love in this year.

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