I entered the title into this post early this morning, I was in that space between sleep and waking where I have unloaded the dishwasher, pulled on some slippers, let the dog out, but have not yet consumed even half a cup of coffee yet. I decided to upload some pictures, the most time-consuming aspect of constructing a post, so that I could then enter text during any small breaks I got in work today. I was going to write about replacing my living room furniture. Out with the old, in with the new. Only….that is not what I typed. I listen hard to that small still voice that speaks in the land of not quite dreams….so I figured I’d better listen to this.
In the after Christmas sales, I decided it was time to get rid of the furniture that Jim died on. A full-sized couch and futon have always been too big for the room. Plus, I am tired of the slight PTSD that would hit me every time I looked at the futon where he got all of his massages, and once claimed he had 2 hearts. I would like to forget the agony of Jim watching movie after movie after movie underneath a blanket on the couch as he tried to make it through yet one more bout of chemo. I donated both couches, and bought a much smaller love seat and chair. Jasper likes the fabric…Zen garden art. Out with the Old, in with the New.
I also moved the TV cabinet, so it is not the first thing I see when entering the room. We bought a flat screen TV when Jim was going through treatment. Seeing that it was an approved SSDI purchase, and knowing how dependent he was on it to get through chemo days, it seemed like a good investment. As Jasper stated, “Now Dad can watch really bad movies in really high quality!” Shortly after Jim died, I decided to consolidate our TV, internet and phone accounts. The best deal came with a 2 year dish DVR contract. I signed up. I thought, that now that Jim was gone, I might get bored, and become more attached to TV. Didn’t happen. Except for a standing Sunday Night Simpson’s date with my son…IF it is not a re-run, IF he has no pressing homework… we never watch the thing. I have another few months on the contract. I will not renew. I am just not a TV person. In with the Old, Out with the New.
I had a really good time in Missoula over the New Year’s Holiday. I got to hike in new places, see new faces, and meet new people. I needed a change in environment, new conversations, and out of the fish bowl for a while. I did not want to face another dance with all the same old songs with a break just long enough to sip champagne and realize, yet again, that there was no one to kiss me at midnight. So, I fled. Out with the Old, In with the New.
But, I also realized that my family and old friends…are the best. They let me crawl into bed with them for morning coffee, pour me wine, let me do their dishes, take me on hikes with playful dogs who care not a whit about the scenery, run in horizontal snow, commiserate about the cold pool at 5:30 am. They snuggle up with me on the couch, talk about nothing and everything. I can lay my head and heart down…and rest. In with the Old, Out with the New.