Conflicts, Conundrums, and Contrasts

I’ve meditated these past few weeks on the above terms. Seems my life is full of them. Black and white, mutually exclusive states of being, trains of thought, ways to live. Been trying to find the gray area, but I am not sure there is any.

We raised independent kids. Getting fed up with Jasper’s usual procrastination, I insisted he do all of his turtle trip preparation himself. He did….and I feel the hole of his decreasing need for me. Emerald was also in town….for 24 hours. Coffee in bed with my girl is about the sweetest thing in the world. If I love them so much, why am almost giddy with excitement at the thought of a whole week (and soon to be the rest of my life) without either of them under my roof???

My life feels balanced right now. I have time, and energy, for meaningful work. Time and energy to eat well and exercise. Time to play. Spend evenings with my son or friends. Weekends to travel, or catch up on home chores. I’ve never been in better shape, physically…and yet there are times I’d really rather just be in that totally imbalanced crazy-in-love place. Stay in bed until noon after playing the night away, blow off work for a day, eat strawberry pie or chocolate til I feel sick.

I love early morning exercise. My running buddies and I share a magic time of day filled with spunky dogs, deer silhouettes, and owls on telephone poles. My swim team just makes me grin. So many happy people splashing around in the water at a time when normal people are hitting the snooze button one more time. Early morning exercise keeps me sane and fit. I also love to dance. Dancing in Moscow happens at night…generally after 9 pm. I need to sleep. It’s a conundrum.

I get a little anxious thinking about the fact that next year at this time, I will be a solo parent, single income household with 2 kids in college…I think I have enough money set aside. It would be easier with 2 incomes….but I love that I don’t have to run my purchases or my savings plans by anybody. If I eat out of the backyard garden and freezer for a week, I can choose to treat myself to lunch out with my daughter….or put the money towards that new raft frame. My choice.

I entertain the idea of another relationship. I like men, hang out with them a lot, enjoy their conversation over dinner, or a beer. Yet, if I am really thinking about another man in my life, why do I choose to spend all of my free time (not with girlfriends, work, or family) with men that are all either safely married or in love with someone else? Could it be that, though I crave falling asleep enveloped in a set of strong male arms, I also really like having a whole big bed to myself?

And perhaps the biggest “C”….why do I feel more vulnerable and fragile, yet stronger and more resilient than ever before in my life? Perhaps, as the river of my life flows on, all the contrasts, conflicts and conundrums will turn to consistency, and confluence. I certainly hope so.

 

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