I miss romance. I’m a die-hard romantic. Jim was too. We were a good match. He always held my hand in public. He liked to give me flowers. I liked to embarrass him with flowers or poetry in his classroom. He would then embarrass me by hugging me in front of his students. We were rarely in the same room without touching. There were often sticky notes on my car steering wheel in the morning when I left for work. “Te amo mas que hay estrellas in el cielo.” Those notes still decorate my office window sill. I miss romance.
I’ve been back to more full-time work for almost a month now. It is exciting, and mentally taxing work. I am still swimming or running at o’ dark thirty. Jasper and I still share a good meal, often after dark, at the other end of the day. I am tired at bedtime. Physically tired, and mentally tired. I am sleeping better…sort of. My body is tired, my brain is tired, but there is still a hole in my heart. I miss romance.
Last week, it was too much. The harvest moon was bright. I drug my tired body out the door, and took the dog for walks after dark, sat on benches and watched the moonrise. The dog likes it when I get angsty. She gets more walks. I wondered why I could not be a normal human and just zone out in front of the TV.
Last night, I was tired from a full week. Jasper was only home briefly. School, then practice, then the traditional pre-race spaghetti feed, this time at someone else’s house. I decided to watch that Netflix movie that has hung around my house for months now. It was a silly romantic comedy. Now I know why I can’t watch TV. The thought of living the rest of my life without romance is intolerable. I cried myself to sleep.