Back in February, I wrote about S’s. Sadness, sickness, solitude, and silliness. Sweetness, snow, and solace. This week I have felt another S emerge. This week I think it finally hit me that I am single. Yes, I am a widow, yes I still have more grieving to do, yes I am getting on with my life and my energy has returned. But more than anything, I feel single.
Single is kind of fun. I can go to bed when I want, and wake up when I want. I have a whole queen sized bed to myself. When I wake up in the middle of night too hot (this happens A LOT!), I can throw the covers without worrying about anyone else…and roll over to the cool side of the bed. I don’t have to share my closet, and with just Jasper and I and 2 bathrooms, there is never a line. I can make vacation plans that are all about what I want to do. I can wake up in the am, throw my bike and the dog in the car, and enjoy sweet single track, solo. I can return from said ride, and put my feet up on the couch….before making brunch, before taking a shower. I can plant just what I want in the garden, and do the yard work at my pace and in my time. I can make plans with friends 2 nights in a row without feeling that I am neglecting an important other. I make enough money to live on…and then a little. I get to decide how to spend it. Starts for the garden, some emerald jewelry, a night of climbing….instead of bike parts. My life. My choices.
Yet, when I have a bad dream, there is no one to hold me while my heart races. There is no one to offer to get up and get me a dry T-shirt or a glass of water when I’ve just left a quart of sweat in the old T-shirt. There is no longer anything in my closet or house that smells like Jim. When I fall off my bike, there is no one to jokingly ask after the welfare of the bike…while gently picking me up. I can take the time to ice my injuries when I get home, but no one is making brunch while I do so. Some yard work doesn’t get done…cause it takes 2 sets of hands. I feel a little wigged out if I DON’T have plans with friends on the weekend, so I push through tiredness rather than face the edginess of being alone. Saving money for a special trip was always kind of exciting…and now there is nowhere that I can really picture going, alone. My life. In some ways, too many choices.
I am single. I am figuring out how to do this. While it is not all bad, and some of it is even kind of fun, it is not what I chose, and it is not what I choose. And the dilemma in that is that it takes 2….and so someone else has to choose me. I like myself, but how to recognize that someone else might like me, too? It has been so long, I am not sure I would know a crush if it hit me in the head…..or heart.