Turning Corners

Looks like the weather is  turning the corner towards warm. A couple of sunny days preceded by rain, and my peas are 2 inches tall, my chard has leaves, the rhubarb threatens to take over the back yard….and a sure sign of Spring, my hosta is up. Finally, we are on the home stretch before Summer.

After pulling another all nighter to finish his ELI portfolio, Jasper is on the home stretch of his Junior year. Apparently all nighters are common during this particular academic load. Track season is also done, and he has turned the corner towards fun. Nothing makes me happier than to know he is at the park playing frisbee, or finding him in the kitchen with a friend chowing on a snack.

Emerald turns the corner towards adulthood this weekend. She turns 20. First birthday she chose not be home for. She had plans for a friend to visit, and a concert. We compromised. I’m putting her and friend up at the Lochsa Lodge on Saturday night, Jasper and I will join them….and bring the strawberry pie for breakfast on her birthday morning. She is staying in MT this summer, working, volunteering, playing.

I have turned the corner on this cold. I am still coughing, but it is not waking me up in the middle of the night feeling like I am going to lose a lung. It has slowed me down some. This is not all bad….

I realized this week, that I am also over the 6 month peak, and am on the downslope side of this year of firsts. I think back to early on in my grief, when I thought that because I had begun grieving at diagnosis, that I could somehow get through this faster. I was wrong. Nothing about Jim’s last year prepared me for the shock of the finality of his death. The solace of friends, though nice and necessary, could not fill the gap of an intimate partner, and there were times I thought ANY intimate partner would do. But something happened this last weekend in McCall. I turned a corner. I know I am still grieving, the glossy copy of Emerald’s Water Education still made me cry, but not for long. I am looking forward more than looking back…and it is not with dread. I’m thinking, that maybe, just maybe, I can do this. I’m not so bad on my own, life’s not so bad on my own, it’s kinda fun to think about “I” rather than “we”. I like my company, and when I get tired of it, I have friends, and family. Life is different, but good.

“Turning the Corner” refers to a rafter’s dream of having someone resupply your trip at the confluence of the Middle Fork of the Salmon with the Main. Jim and I had talked about doing this, light, backpacker’s style, after the kids were grown and gone. Jim got to do this once (I was the resupplier). I’m not so interested anymore. I’ve turned the corner onto a new river. One that I’ve never done before. It’s kinda exciting, and a little scary. Wonder what’s around the next bend?

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4 Responses to Turning Corners

  1. Betsy Goodman says:

    You must turn those corners alone, yet there are so many friends walking alongside… cheering silently! We take turns making the road easier for each other with love, laughter, hugs, and adventures.
    Remember when we were skiing on the ridge at Silver and I held onto you when a huge gust tried to sweep you off the mountain? I’ve often wished that the storm of this year could have such an easy remedy. You have pulled yourself through the gale, the winds are settling down, and your one wild and precious life is full of possibility. Reading this today was the most wonderful gift.

  2. Gerri Sayler says:

    Hooray !!! It’s great to hear about the new energy flowing into your sense of who you are now and your enthusiasm about what’s to come.

  3. Carol Allard says:

    You can do this.. You are one very strong lady and you just have a little
    hill to climb; you have done all the big ones. Look over that hill and see
    the beautiful future ahead.. -carol-

  4. Dana Ball says:

    @ Carol Allard, for Kathie La: “The hill is my friend, the hill is my friend, the hill is my friend….”
    Dana says, so thankfully, “You are my friend, you are my friend, you are my friend….”

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