This weekend was Renaissance Fair in Moscow. We had the first truly nice weather of the season. It is now 5 pm, and it is still in the high 60’s and sunny. The birds are going crazy in my back yard. I’m sure many kids will be heading home soon with belly aches from Nessie Ears and sporting sun burns. Ren Fair marks the beginning of Spring in Moscow, and there is nothing finer. No matter how long and nasty the winter has been, 2 days of sunshine, the community coming together at Ren Fair, dancing under the stars, and we all fall in love with the Palouse again.
I was not prepared. I had no idea how hard this weekend would be for me. In hind sight, I should have gone somewhere at least 200 miles away instead of signing up for work shifts at the various charity food booths. Yes, Jim was everywhere in the park this weekend. So were my children. In reality, Emerald was digging new gardens and writing papers in Missoula, and Jasper was in Seattle at model UN. But they were also with me. As toddlers splitting an elephant ear. As young kids, spending their wad of dough on seed animals. Buying tye dye dresses and hoodie sweat shirts. “Subtly” asking me what I liked, and then sneaking back with dad to get mother’s day presents. Eating so much fair food I did not have to cook all weekend. And live music, sitting on hay bales, and dancing. I love to dance. I loved dancing with my children in my arms, I loved dancing with Jim, I still love to dance with friends. Usually it is a conversation without words, an upwelling of joy. Last night, it just made me sad. I missed my children, I missed my dance partner. Surrounded by people, even by those who I know love me, and I felt so lonely. Alone in a crowd. Yuk. I was so unprepared.
And yet, morning comes after a night of tears, and somehow I have survived my first Ren Fair without Jim. The beginning of Spring marks the beginning of another season of firsts. The first campfire on the Lochsa. The first Jim’s birthday/Father’s Day (both occur on the same day this year). The first trip to Burgdorf. The first raft trip. I need to be more prepared. How?