Yesterday was a grief day. I only had work appointments scheduled for the afternoon, so it should have been an easy day. I had little that HAD to get done, but I had a long list of SHOULDs. I think that may have been the issue.
I should be working on my webinars. I should be clearing yet more gear out of the basement and sorting it for sale or donation. I should be writing thank you notes to all the folks that were so gracious to host us over Spring Break. I should call hospice yet one more time to remind them to please, please, please come and pick up the sharps container on my porch as I cannot dispose of it in the garbage. I should make my son a perfectly balanced dinner so that he has optimal energy for his track meet tomorrow. The sun is finally out and I should be cleaning up debris and dog poop. I should get to bed at a reasonable hour so I have lots of sleep prior to a full work day on Thursday. I should be over this sadness already, and moving on with my life. I couldn’t do any of it. I went back through old pictures, emails, even googled Jim to see stuff like old flyers for workshops he had done. I almost called and cancelled my afternoon appointments.
I was in a funk. When Jasper was about 4, all of his grandparents died within an 18 month period. We talked about it, and I thought he had processed what death was. Then, about 6 months later he came up with, “So let me get this right. You get borned, you live, you try to have a little fun, and then you die. What’s the point?” Yesterday was a lot like that. I did not have an adequate answer for Jasper when he was 4, and I don’t have one now for me.
The only “should” I listened to yesterday was the one that my massage therapist always says. “You should be gentle with yourself. You should hold yourself in the softest arms.” I cried a lot. The only phone call I made was to a friend who came over and rubbed my shoulders. It clouded over so I did not feel so bad about the yard work. I did do my work appointments, because when I meet with families we always swap stories…and these are full of joy. I fed Jasper leftover pasta, and asked him to do the dishes. I let a friend talk me into going to sauna, and I stayed out way too late, and had wine. I did not have to hold myself, there were others that were willing to. Perhaps that is the point.
I know the funk, and the fog, will lift. Today is a better day already. But golly grief, I get so tired of you sometimes.